


Don't Say It

by reddawneyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-25 08:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reddawneyes/pseuds/reddawneyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three months since the angels fell.  Three months since Dean saw Cas.  And three months where he's slowly lost all hope.  Then a phone call comes, but it's not what he wanted to hear at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Call

It had been 3 months since the angels had fallen and Dean and Sam feared the worst. Although they had managed to create network of most of heavens ex-occupants which ran out of the bunker which logged the names and locations of the newly human ex-angels and connect them to their brothers and sisters nearby, they had heard nothing of the angel that had become a third of team free will and a member of the winchester family.  


“Cas, if you can hear me, get your feathery, or otherwise, ass here right now! Please! I need you. I need to know you’re okay... Please!”.  


It was prayers such as these that Sam had become so accustomed to hearing by the end of the 3rd month that it he just wanted to yell and kick Cas if he was still alive for doing this to Dean. Or to do the same to God if Cas was dead and he’d allowed Dean to suffer unknowing with ever fading hope of Castiel’s return. Especially when these prayers were so often followed by the soft sound of Deans muffled sobs and drunken rages.  


Sam and Dean had almost given up hope. They hadn't heard from Cas themselves and nor had anyone in the hunting community or any of the ex-angels. Deans drinking was almost back to it pre-purgatory levels and Sam was growing increasingly worried that Dean would either die of alcohol poisoning or that, in his intoxicated state, he would do something stupid like drive, get into a fight or even worse.  


Then the phone call came.  


“Sam, it’s Garth, I have some news on Cas.”  


“Are you serious? What is it, is he alive? Is he ok-“  


Sam’s question was abruptly ended as Dean launched himself at Sam in order to wrestle the phone from his brother’s hand.  


"Dean, stop it!"

"No Sammy, if it's Cas I have to know! Give me the damn phone, bitch!"

The scuffle continued for a long minute until they were interrupted by Garth's voice slowly rising in decibel and annoyance on the other end of the phone.

“Sam? Sam?! SAM!” Garth’s voice shouted down the phone. “If you to idjits would stop squabbling for 2 seconds I could tell one of you where your angel friend is.”  


One look one look at the determined Dean who was still sat half on top of him keeping him from snatching the phone back and Sam relented. He reluctantly nodded to the phone signalling Dean to take the call whilst he contemplated why Dean cared so much about the angel. No, that’s stupid. He knew why. He just hadn’t realised how much Dean cared for Cas… until now at least.  


“Garth where is he? I told you he’d be fine. He is okay isn’t he? Where is he? I’ll go get him and-“  


“DEAN! One question at a time man. He’s okay I guess, Ben Watkins found him working in a diner in Utah. Recognised him from that picture you sent me.”  


“Which diner? I’m going to get him.”

“Dean, soon as he realised that Ben was a hunter, he tried to bolt. Thankfully Ben stopped him and played dumb about knowing who any of you are and claimed to be a lone hunter like Gordon with little connection to the hunters network.”  


“Okay.. so?” Dean questioned trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that was creeping into his gut  


“Dean… Cas doesn’t want to be found…”


	2. I don't care

“Dean… Cas doesn’t want to be found…”

Those were the words that shattered everything. His heart, his hope and his joy at Cas being found was gone in an instant. 

He didn’t want to be found? That must mean that he didn’t want to be found by Dean and that hurt more than anything before. More than losing their dad, more than losing Lisa or Ben, more than thinking Cas was dead. It was almost worse than when he lost Sam. Maybe it was even worse than that. 

“I don’t care. I’m still going to get him. Where is he?”

The other end of the phone was met with silence so Dean repeated his question leaving Garth with no choice but to at least answer him

“Dean I don’t think that’s such a good ide-“ Garth began but he was quickly cut off by Dean

“I. Don’t. Care. Where is he?!” he barked down the phone with a voice filled with desperation and anger.

Sighing Garth reluctantly gave in to Dean knowing that if he didn’t Dean would likely track down his informant and get the location by force. “He’s at greys diner, Utah right next to a family owned motel where he’s been living since he fell. It’s on the side of the I-70 past the river state recreational centre but before the dirt track turn off for the Huntington state park.”

“Okay. I’m going to get him.” Dean stated before abruptly hanging up the phone and rushing out the door with his pre-packed bag. A bag that had sat by the door since Dean returned to the bunker with a post-trial sick Sam and a half cured Crowley. A bag that Dean had been days away from unpacking.

Dashing around the bunker with his bag Dean ignored Sam’s constant shouting of his name and plea for him to stop and think about this. He ignored the buzz of the phone in his pocket as Garth tried to call back and without so much as stopping to say goodbye to Sam he was out of the door and jamming the keys into the impala and driving more than double the speed limit so that he was flying across the I-70 making it to Utah in 8 hours rather than the 13 and a half it should have taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a short chapter, but I'm posting it with another one straight away which is a bit longer :)


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as he spotted the diner Dean made a sharp turn into the dirt car park and abandoned the impala.

_Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas._ Was all that his brain was chanting, increasing in both volume and speed the closer he got to the diner.

Dean ran up to the doors of the diner only to compose himself before he entered. After all, if Cas was so afraid that he didn’t want to come back of his own accord then Dean showing up in a manic crazy dash was certainly not going to help the situation.

So Dean kept his composure as he entered the diner. His eyes scanning each of the 5 other people who were there but still not finding Cas. 

Dean’s shoulders deflated as he realised that the likelihood was Cas ran the second he encountered the other hunter in the bar knowing full well that, even the success of ganking a wendigo wouldn’t prevent him from letting Dean know he was here.

Dean felt tears begin to sting his eyes as he had to deal, yet again with the loss of Cas and his chest grew tight with the pain that stabbed through his chest whenever he thought about Cas not wanting to see him. Dean scrubbed his eyes, tired from the long journey and decided that if Cas wasn’t here maybe some of the people he’d worked with would know where he’d gone. That and it was not 8 hours since he’d stopped to do anything more than pee and he needed food and a drink if he was going to get back on the road. So he sat himself down on a stool beside the counter.

Barely seconds after sitting down, Dean was handed a menu by a large woman in her 50’s who was smiling down at the hunter. “Tough day hun?” 

Dean nodded in response. _only the hardest fricken day of my life so far. And believe me I’ve had a lot of em!_

“I know these roads can be a bitch sometimes with the infrequent rest stops and what have you.” She continued waving her hands around to accentuate her words before picking upp a pen and pad to note down his order. “Can I get you anything hun?”

Annie, as a glance at her name tag told him, appeared to have an infectious smile and a calming nature and it only took seconds for Dean to see why Cas would have been attracted to staying here. She reminded him in many ways of a softer and slightly warmer Ellen.

“A beer, burger and a coffee wouldn’t go amiss?” Dean asked working his best smile. After all he’d need to butter her up if he was going to get any information out of her.

Nodding as she noted down his order and added fries to his burger, she turned to call to the back “Cas hunny, can I get a burger and fries out here?” 

Dean froze. No, he reasoned, it couldn’t be his Cas. She probably means someone called cassie or Jas. Not Cas.

When Annie received no reply she called again. “Cas?”

And then Dean couldn’t deny he’d misheard her anymore. Because at her second call the door opened just wide enough for a small dark head to pop through and look at her.

“Ye-“ Cas didn’t finish his sentence because as he began his eyes met Deans. Staring at him in a mixture of shock, relief and worst of all fear was Cas, his eyes a shining deep blue that Dean had missed so much.

But before Dean could say anything to him Cas did the worst thing Dean could imagine. He ran.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's you. You're alive. You're alive. Fuck, you're alive." Dean chanted as he took a step towards Cas and enveloped him in a crushing hug.
> 
> "Dean, you are hurting me." Cas muttered in a weak protest as he stared at the wall behind Dean as though he would rather be anywhere else in the world but here with Dean.

No sooner had Cas fled through the kitchen door than Dean had shoved away from the counter, knocking over his stool and startling Annie process. 

"Cas! Cas! Castiel! Don't you dare do this! Don't run away from me now! Castiel! PLEASE CAS!" He called as he hopped over the counter and ran after him ignoring Annie's alarmed and confused protests. 

He ran as fast as he could manage through the kitchen and then the narrow corridor which must lead to the back of the diner still shouting his plea's for Cas to stop running. 

He burst through the back door and found himself blocked by a dead end and surrounded by dumpsters but there was no sign of Cas. 

"Dammit Cas!" Dean growled fisting his hands in his hair in frustration as he fought back the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes. 

"What do you want from me Dean?" 

Dean's eyes widened when he heard Cas' voice behind him. Hearing his voice properly for the first time in 3 months. 

"Cas?!" Dean gasped spinning around as if wondering whether this was just another trick. Whether he was dreaming, or worse, had been attacked by a Djin. 

"Dean." Cas asked as he tilted his head in confusion. 

Upon seeing the familiar expression and realizing that he was real and solid before him. Dean let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. 

"It's you. You're alive. You're alive. Fuck, you're alive." Dean chanted as he took a step towards Cas and enveloped him in a crushing hug. 

"Dean, you are hurting me." Cas muttered in a weak protest as he stared at the wall behind Dean as though he would rather be anywhere else in the world but here with Dean. 

"Fuck, sorry" Dean pulled back putting some space between them again but refusing to move from between Cas and the door just in case he decided to make a run for it again. "Cas, where have you been? I've been praying every day. I needed you. I still need you! I thought you were dead!" 

"I heard your prayers Dean" 

"You... You what?" Dean asked as he stepped back looking as though Cas had slapped him. "But- You neve- Why didn't you answer me?" He asked the hurt and confusion he was feeling evident on his face. 

"I'm no longer an angel dean. Metatron tricked me. He stole my grace so I can only hear your prayers but I can neither help to resolve them or fly to your side. What use could I possibly be to you now. I cannot help you any more. You won't need me anymore!" 

"You think that's what I mean't?!" Dean spit out out a mixture of horrified shock and disgust. 

"Well obviously. Why else would you want me back again, you made it clear that I was useless without my grace sometime ago, so I figured that you would not wish to be lumbered with a graceless 'baby in a trench coat'." Cas explained as though it was the most simple and obvious thing in the world. 

Shock registered across Dean's face as it dawned upon him what Castiel thought he meant. That he had taken Deans hurt and scared words from all those years ago and allowed it to have such a weighting on his decisions even now. 

"Cas, that's not what I meant. If that's what you thought then you were wrong. I was so worried about you. I thought you were dead! But no, you just stayed away because of some shit I said about a million years ago when I was pissed off and barely knew you. Seriously, do you really think that little of me? Of everything we've been through and only mean that much?! Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence on my 'beautiful soul' or whatever shit you call it." Dean retaliated not bothering to hide the hurt in his eyes. 

"Don't you dare turn this around on me Dean. Don't you make this my fault! I was fallen, graceless and confused. The last time I saw you you practically cast me away.You left me behind and stopped caring and yet you accuse me of turning my back. You make this my fault?!" 

"Cas-" Dean began only to be cut off again by Cas. 

"No Dean. Don't you dare make out like I don't care or try and turn this around on me. Everything you've ever accused me of over the years it was all a lie. I rebelled and killed my brothers for you, I went against my fathers "plan" for the earth. I helped you save your brother and yourself from the 'bull shit' apocalypse. I even brought Sam back from hell as best as I could because you told me that was all you wanted. Because I knew how much your brother meant to you. 

I would have willingly removed and cast away my grace if you had asked me to; so don't you dare try and turn this back around on me and make it out like I abandoned you because I don't care. Or that there was something better for me because That. Is. Not. True." Cas spat at Dean, he words dripping like a paralyzing venom from his mouth. 

"Cas-" Dean whimpered [ _Yes he fucking whimpered. He'd have time to feel embarrassed about that later when there was less pressing matters on his mind. __]_

 _"Dean..." Cas said as he searched Dean's eyes as though he were trying to read his mind searching for the answer to an unspoken question. And Dean knew when he found it because his whole face changed from confusion to one of certainty and desperation before he crashed their lips together._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress so let me know if you have any ideas or things you like and I'll see how they fit with my vision for the fic...  
> Also, thanks for reading, it means a lot. This is my first multi chapter fic but I have another one coming soon based on Bare the Pop Opera I also have some one shots I've posted before if you wanted to check them out :}  
> Thanks again I hope you enjoy reading :)  
> Kx


End file.
